the percentage game.

on january 22nd i received a phone call from HM. i was over at T&R’s house for a casino night where i was currently winning at roulette. HM wasn’t able to go since she had to work the next morning. it was fairly early, around 10pm i believe, and my mind was free, courtesy of the dynamic duo of vodka and club soda. the conversation went something like this:

EM: hey babe!
HM: what are u doing? (very seriously)
EM: playing roulette! i’m winning.
HM: oh. where is everyone else?
EM: around. playing blackjack, roulette, and poker.
HM: oh. guess what?
EM: what?
HM: i’m pregnant.
EM: *stands up, walks away from table*… huh?
HM: i bought a test and it had a positive sign. i think i’m pregnant.
EM: really? you didn’t tell me anything before. are you sure?
HM: that’s what it said
EM: which kind is it?
HM: up and up – the target brand.
EM: up and up? what the? let me sober up, i’ll be home in a bit.

i went home that night with a lot of things racing through my mind. pregnant? nah. really? up and up? what the heck is that? positive sign. hmm. i’m gonna be a dad? i’d be a pretty cool dad. up and up? i should go to target and get another test. she can’t be pregnant. we’ve hardly seen each other much in the past two months. i wonder if it’s a boy or girl. a boy would be cool. so would a girl. i had a 50% chance of belief that this was really happening. damn, i gotta get home.

when i got upstairs, HM was waiting for me with an anxious face. i looked at the test and it had a very evident horizontal sign. the vertical crossing line however was faint. the directions state: the positive line test may not be as evident as the horizontal line. that’s it? ok – so what does that mean? does a faint line still mean positive-yes or positive-maybe not? now i’m about 60% in belief, but what the heck is this up and up brand?! i told HM we’ll go back to target and buy a better known test. she agreed.

the next night, we took two First Response brand tests. the tests has a two vertical line system. one line, not pregnant - two lines, pregnant. both tests ended up displaying 2 lines, but the 2nd line still faint. directions state: the 2nd vertical line may not be as dark as the 1st line. these tests are confusing. why can’t they clarify “a faint line still means pregnancy is more likely. consult your doctor.” i mean, the first lines are always clear on these tests…which basically means that the test knows that it’s been pissed on. other than that…the 2nd lines are almost useless……75%.
we both talked about it the next few nights. HM started sleeping a lot, but she was also putting in around 70-80 hrs/week at work. one morning, she couldn’t hold down her breakfast. hmm, that’s never happened before. my believe… rising.

on my way home from work that week, i made an impromptu stop at walgreens. i found a digital E.P.T. test that gave a readout: PREGNANT or NOT PREGNANT. perfect! $21 for 3 tests, but that’s the price you pay for clarity. i surprised HM with the tests and told her i wanted to be more sure. 2 tests later – PREGNANT. 90%. for the while next week, she couldn’t hold down food in the morning.

we didn’t really want to tell anyone until after seeing the ob/gyn first. the ob/gyn we wanted only took referrals. so i called my good friends MR and GR. i told them how i was 95% sure after all that’s happened.

MR: 95%? what else do u need to know? she’s pregnant man.
EM: dude… i will only be totally sure until i see the ultrasound.
MR: hahahahaha – you’re crazy. believe it!

on tuesday february 23, the most amazing picture i’ve ever seen came up on a little black and white screen. i said hello to my child for the first time. though i couldn’t express anything by touch or speak, i stared in awe that this little salt-and-pepper picture was moving inside my wife. i created that? wait – WE created that. you have a very active baby, Dr. D said to us. he/she was saying hello back. HM and i glanced at each other, both thinking about the past month of emotion and uncertainty that we had just endured.

absolutely, positively, 100%.


where's the motivation?

when i first came up with the idea of this blog, i was so excited that i actually made a list of topics/stories that i wanted to share. this is something i learned that writers do - they keep pen and paper with them at all times so they don't miss out on their current thoughts. well, i'm not really that type of person and even less organized. though i feel i have a great selective memory (oxymoron?), there is no way that i would be able to keep up with everything that's happened since the beginning of the year by memory alone.

now, i'm finding that having those initial thoughts written down are only a small part of completing my task. i lack motivation to start something. this 2nd post, for instance, has taken me 2 days to come back to even though i already have a template of thoughts to choose from. i've tried blogging before through social networking sites, but most of us know that fads come and go. i also started one last year for my own purpose of self motivation... but you can see for yourself that it didn't turn out so well ( i got injured, ok?!)

back to baby talk.....

officially, i believe today is 19 wks, 4 days. the countdown to delivery is well on its way. just to lay it out there - WE ARE NOT FINDING OUT THE SEX. i don't know why people get so mad about this. especially women. even more so, women with children. "ugh, you're one of THOSE people, huh?" -- i guess i am (it was mainly my choice to not find out, HM just agreed). personally, i feel the birth of a child is one of the most sacred events in a couple's life; it is also (not always for some) one of the most exciting times for anyone who is fortunate enough to experience. i think the anticipation of uncertainty and passing through 3 grueling trimesters together is what pregnancy is about....especially the first time. then, when you finally hear the voice that yells..."you have a boy!" or "it's a girl!" - it's not only rewarding, it's perfect. i can't wait to look into HM's eyes after that moment and realize all that hard work was all trivial in comparison. it's anyone's guess how i'm going to react - just as i didn't know when i said "i do". i'm sure that tears of joy aren't out of the question.

of course, this would all have to happen in the perfect world of delivering babies, right? wake up, water breaks, green lights all the way to hospital, lay down, epidural (fo' sho!), short labor, push, baby glides out, Dr gives a slap on the butt**, cut the cord, wash down the baby, shake hands with staff, and mosey on out. the anticipation of the perfect world. isn't that motivating enough?


**to the baby!


the beginning, yet i'm late

sometimes the best ideas come at random moments.  in my case this past weekend, a random idea came up at one of the best times in my life.  in about 20 weeks, i'm projected to become a father for the first time.  over the past few months, i've gone from complete spousal indulgence to master researcher of baby furniture.  and for some strange, tickling reason - i felt i wanted to write about it. 

in truth, i've never thought of myself much of a writer.  i have weak vocabulary, often-poor grammar, and confusing sentence conjunction.  i also despise using capital letters, unless i ultimately have to make someone understand that THIS IS WHAT I MEAN.  it's as if i was slapped on the wrist for using the shift key during 7th grade computer literacy (yes folks, i didn't learn QWERTY until middle school).  i'm often repetitive.  i like to use "......" a lot.  and for some reason - i tend to use-dashes-in-place-of-commas-or-wherever-else-i-see-fit.  

my personality is be better suited for storytelling.  i normally like to speak in small, intimate groups while asking tons of questions.  but in this case i decided to put my thoughts on a blog medium.  so here i am.... my goal to share my experiences and random thoughts through my journey of approaching fatherhood along with my first year as a papa.  my wife (HM) laughed at me as i became so giddy with enthusiasm because i thought i struck storytelling gold.  

so yes, considering how far along my wife is, i'm a little late - but i promise to catch up on interesting/funny/complicated past occurrences and weave them with current stories.  please share your thoughts, comments, disagreements, etc...... or just follow along if interested.  i always tell myself that i wouldn't be the person i am today if it weren't for people's influence.  come join in my festivities....